I am going to start off this year by reviewing what some people have taught me.
Carrie Fisher taught me prescription pills are not a beverage. David Bowie taught me that having a gigantic penis that swings like the pendulum of a grandfather clock is the secret to being successful in life. Prince taught me that being the size of David Bowie’s penis doesn’t hurt your chances at being victorious, either. Gene Wilder taught me that if you have the right voice, you can make the sentence “Lemme cornhole ya.” sound downright classy. George Michael taught me to embrace my bushy eyebrows and chin. Hillary Clinton’s career has taught me to stop trying to make everyone like me because it is never going to happen and President Putin’s has taught me to live every day like it’s my last. (As sooner or later, he will make sure it will be)
Harper Lee taught me all you need to do is write one good book to make your life worthwhile, better yet, get your drinking buddy/cousin to write it for you. Florence Henderson taught me that life is not over if your TV husband is gay and you don’t have a toilet. Mohamed Ali taught me that poetry is more powerful than fists but not more powerful than Parkinson’s Disease. Fidel Castro taught me to stop smoking cigars and start smoking freedom. Gary Shandling taught me to do cocaine or plastic surgery but not both. Vanity taught me you could still be beautiful with 80’s hair. Piers Sellers taught me that you don’t have to do well in science or work for NASA because no matter how important your contribution is to the world, you will never be as famous as the Kardashians.
Bye Bye 2016, Hello Apocolypse