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Ask Gaijin Girl: Brilliant Advice From a Bitter Woman #15

Always Ready to Give You Advice on Life and Relationships Because She Never Has One. images

Dear Gaijin Girl,

I really really want to learn Japanese. How do I do that?

So serious,

Kathy

Dear Kathy,

My advice is don't. However, if you really really want to learn Japanese nothing I say can stop you, you poor and unfortunate soul.

With that in mind, I highly recommend you watch Japanese dramas. They are the perfect guide to speaking Japanese like real people. (Forget that anime stuff unless you want to sound like you are perpetually ready to either burst into tears or attack pocket monsters.)

You also want to watch live action dramas so you can understand the grammatical value of Japanese facial expressions and what they mean. In order to speak Japanese like a native it's important to learn the fine art of being expressionless. When you master this, you will then able to not react to anything that you perceive as negative or unfavorable. As we all know, in Japan, if you ignore something you don't like, it will eventually go away like the homeless man masturbating in the station, the foreigner trying to get the station manager to stop the masturbating homeless man or the wife at home. It's a handy skill to have when dealing with the police and the NHK man. (And you will deal with them more than you ever wanted to)

Japanese dramas are hour long shows that run for three months and then they are over. If the dramas are popular, they may have a second or third season the following year but that is pretty unlikely.

Japanese dramas are always called dramas, even if they are comedies because if the network were to label a show a comedy they would also find the need to fuck it up with story stopping gags. I'll admit to watching and loving two Japanese comics take turns hitting each other as hard as they can in the shins with metal park swings for half an hour but I wouldn't watch an hour of it every week for a season. It is unfortunate that most Japanese comics on TV have very little or no control over their material or their career and make very little money doing it. If you ever wonder why the contestants on Japanese gameshows are never civilians but are always comedians trying to win things like cheese and ham, it's because they are broke and hungry. They are literally working for food.

Japanese dramas also let you in on some important and commonly held beliefs in Japan. The first being that if you are caught in the rain without an umbrella, you will get sick and probably die. A strange pair of shoes in your genkan or entrance means your significant other is cheating on you. A half eaten boxed lunch means a husband no longer or never did love his wife. Anybody with a necktie around their head is a drunk asshole over 50. Any drama with Kimura Takuya or Kimutaku in it is good. (Though the theme music will be bad.) Any drama where the lead is a female is antifeminist propaganda. Japanese people who speak English too well are evil. (American movies are also guilty of this. In them, the devil is always a white guy ridiculously good at speaking Russian or Chinese.) Marriage proposals are never romantic and if you fall in love with the wrong person (or your ordained by the gods soul mate) you will also fall into a coma or go blind.

Enjoy and good luck,

Gaijin Girl

Ask Gaijin Girl:Brilliant Advice From a Bitter Woman #4

Always Ready to Help You With Your Life and Relationships Because She Never Has Onerabbits-wedding-cake-topper Dear Gaijin Girl, My American Husband and I have been married for three years and have two children. My husband still expects me to have sex with him. Is this normal? Sincerely Stumped, Mizuho

Dear Mizuho, I completely understand how you feel. Actually, no, that’s a lie. I cannot understand why you’d want to turn down a reliable and ready source of the coitus unless it’s your husband is really bad at sex or you don’t know how to enjoy it. In the West, sex is always considered a dish on the marital menu that may or may not be ordered every day but is never completely removed from the bill of fare unless the restaurant burns down. (Even then, I’m sure some people would roast marshmallows over the still burning flames of the building hoping against hope that their charred bits of sugar fluff will taste like sex or at least, a hand job.) As I told the Japanese wife of a Welsh neighbor, “If you want to have a long and happy marriage, learn how to like sex because your husband is going to want to have sex with you until you die and probably after.” (The Welsh husband smiled, nodded and drooled in agreement.) There are many resources you can go to to learn more about how to enjoy sex but I recommend staying away from Japanese porn or anything else that suggests woman are not voluntary participants in the act or involve girls so young they technically haven’t been born yet. Contrary to popular belief, your sexual prowess does not peak at twelve years-old and a satisfying sexual encounter does not have to include tears. If your husband is just plain bad at sex, I have nothing but sympathy for you. Men are very sensitive about their penises. It’s very hard to talk to them directly about how they use it. Japanese people often assume that Americans are super direct about everything, we’re not. The Russians are. You could probably tell a Russian man he was bad in bed and he wouldn’t get upset or take it personally. He’d just wonder why you expected anything positive out of life in the first place. For women, sex is 90% mental and 10% discovery. (You want to put what WHERE?!) I think your safest bet is to practice getting your head in the right space for sexy time. Try to practice fantasizing about things that will really get your juices flowing. Picture him paying all bills on time, for once. (That’s in my spank bank but you might want to aim for something a little more realistic and attainable.) This will take time to figure out and that’s ok. You’re married, you’ve got nothing but time. I suggest trying sex with a side of intimacy. It’s an item on the menu more exotic in Japan than whale, plus you won’t have to worry about Sea Shepherd documenting and live streaming your sexual exploration for the world to see. Good Luck, Gaijin Girl

Ask Gaijin Girl: Brilliant Advice From A Bitter Woman #2

Always Ready to Help You With Your Life and Relationships Because She Never Has One 300px-Hostess-Twinkies Dear Gaijin Girl, My American husband complains about the taste of Japanese food and wants me to cook more American food for him. What should I do? Sincerely Surprised, Naoko

Dear Naoko, First of all, if you want him to stop complaining about the taste of your food, you need to STOP POISONING HIM. I feel for you, I really do. When you first met and married that poor liberal arts major with a slightly unhealthy interest in anime, you had no idea how limited his career options would be in your homeland or just how unambitious he was to climb any ladder unless it involved a Mario brother. He’s never going to make enough money for you to be able to stay home with the kids and after you’re done having kids he’s still going to want to have sex with you. I know, it’s a hassle and a massive disappointment after you’re projected all your luxurious hopes and Hollywood fueled dreams onto this poor illiterate dope that can’t even sign a mobile phone contract without your help. You thought your husband would forever resemble Leonard DeCaprio in Titanic, you got a dead ringer for Leonardo DeCaprio in J. Edgar. It is a massive letdown. I will give you that, but it’s not an excuse to consistently poison him so that he’ll die ten years before you do. Among many reasons, it’s just not nice or necessary. If you really want to kill him, just let him eat all the American food he wants, it’ll probably do him in faster and it will be a lot less work on your part. All you have to do is heat the food in a plastic container. (Bonus cancer points!) It’ll probably be less nutritious than the poison you are lacing his food with now. So really, letting him eat American food is a win-win situation for your marriage. I would, however, stay away from Twinkies. He might eat too many and kill you. (Don’t worry, Twinkies are near impossible to get in Japan but peanut butter chocolate is available through Seiyu department stores. Binge eating peanut butter chocolate doesn’t trigger homicidal fits of rage but provides a fertile ground for depression or a degree of self loathing that may weaken the immune system and destroy his self-respect, if you’re lucky.) Of course, you could just talk to him and tell him that you’re unhappy, but we both know that’s never going to happen because that would require intimacy and a profound level of trust. So yeah, I’d start with peanut butter cups and chicken fried steak. Bon Appétit, Gaijin Girl